Healing After Heartbreak: Finding Your Way Back to Yourself

“Shout out to my ex, you’re really quite the man. You made my heart break and that made me who I am.” (Little Mix)

Hey friend! I can’t say I’ve quoted too many song lyrics since the golden days of AIM away messages and customizing MySpace pages (what a time to be alive, right?), but as I was cleaning the house the other day, this catchy song came on. It got me dancing, shaking it out, and inevitably got me thinking about past relationships. One in particular.

It was my 25th birthday. I was sitting in my mom’s office, thankfully just a few blocks away, and I was absolutely bawling my eyes out. I had been going out with a guy I met just a few weeks prior, and he was already bringing me to the point of an ugly cry. I’m talking full blown can’t breathe, can’t speak, emotional mess. Not a cute look, ladies.

Looking back now, it’s hard to even remember exactly what I was so upset about, but it sent red flags flying everywhere.

Red flags that I chose to ignore because I wanted it to work so badly.

What ensued was the most unstable and unhealthy relationship I had ever allowed myself to be in. I continually felt like I had to tread lightly when communicating with him. I would literally stare at my phone, taking a full five minutes to text him back in fear of saying the wrong thing. A wrong text, or a wrong word, would have him replying that he didn’t think we should hang out again, and the emotional rollercoaster would begin all over again.

We’ve all been there, haven’t we? Trying to shrink ourselves to fit into someone else’s life?

When Love Looks Nothing Like Love

A lot of our time was spent drinking too much, which led to many nights of him yelling at me to get out of his place. But that’s just because he had too much to drink, he didn’t really want me to leave, right? The excuses we make for them are wild.

We spent a ton of time together. He took me out to dinners, I spent most of my nights at his place, but there was no stability or comfort in knowing that we were actually a couple. This man was a father, yet parented in a way I knew I would never want to raise my children. He called me hurtful names, but gave me his time and affection, so he must still care about me, right? Our values and goals didn’t align, my emotions were out of control, but yet I continued with the dysfunction.

This pattern of accepting crumbs and calling it a meal is something researchers have studied extensively. According to Psychology Today, trauma bonding occurs when a person forms a deep emotional attachment to someone who is abusive or toxic. The cycle of intermittent reinforcement, moments of warmth followed by cruelty, actually strengthens the bond rather than weakening it. That’s why leaving feels so impossibly hard, even when you know you should.

I was at his place one day when I received a message from another woman on Facebook who stated very specific things. There was no way I could lie to myself about what was happening anymore. That was the end. It was the last red flag that I could no longer ignore.

I mean, it still hurt like hell, but I finally ran out of excuses.

Why We Stay When We Know We Shouldn’t

“These are the doomed spirals of logic your mind will descend when you think being alone means being lonely, and that being lonely is worse than being mistreated.” (Tyler Oakley, Binge)

At the time, I was living at home, working a job I loved but not making enough money to support myself, confused and without any idea of what to do. So the relationship was at least something that gave me some significance and love, even if I was achieving it in all the wrong ways.

I think what hurt me so deeply is that I was living so far from my truths, and had not only allowed but accepted that kind of energy in my life.

Here’s what I’ve come to understand since then: staying in a harmful relationship is rarely about the other person. It’s about the story we’re telling ourselves. Maybe it’s “I can fix this.” Maybe it’s “This is what I deserve.” Maybe it’s simply “I don’t want to start over.” Whatever the narrative, it keeps us locked in a cycle that chips away at who we really are.

Research from the Harvard Health Blog shows that the stress of being in a toxic relationship can actually affect your physical health, contributing to elevated cortisol levels, disrupted sleep, weakened immune function, and even cardiovascular strain. Your body knows the truth even when your mind is still making excuses.

I want to pause here for a sec, lady. Does any of this sound familiar? Have you ever stayed because the fear of the unknown felt scarier than the pain you were in?

So how did I move forward and find peace? It wasn’t easy and it took time. Sometimes, something still shows up and brings some of those feelings back. But you can get through this. Healing after heartbreak is not a straight line, and that’s okay.

6 Ways to Begin Healing After Heartbreak and Hurt

1. Don’t Ignore Your Gut

The phrase “women’s intuition” exists for a reason. Ladies, if you are in a relationship you know you shouldn’t be in, stop making excuses. Chances are, you already know the relationship isn’t right deep down in your belly. We make excuses because that feels better than accepting the painful truth.

Your body sends signals before your brain catches up. That knot in your stomach when he texts, the anxiety you feel before seeing him, the relief you feel when plans get cancelled. Those aren’t random feelings. That’s your nervous system telling you something important. The American Psychological Association has noted that gut feelings often reflect a form of rapid, unconscious information processing. In other words, your intuition isn’t irrational. It’s picking up on patterns your conscious mind hasn’t fully processed yet.

2. Take Responsibility (Without Taking the Blame)

I clearly allowed this person in my life and allowed him to treat me the way he did. I accepted his “love” because I felt that was what I was worthy of at the time.

As the lovely Christal Fuentes says:

“When you don’t value yourself, the wrong people will come along and believe that they don’t have to value you either.”

Taking responsibility is not about blaming yourself for someone else’s bad behavior. It’s about recognizing that your values and boundaries are your responsibility to uphold. When we understand why we accepted less than we deserved, we gain the power to choose differently next time. That’s not self-blame. That’s self-awareness, and it’s one of the most powerful tools you’ll ever have.

3. Blame Effectively

There were days, even years later, that I would still hold a lot of anger and resentment towards this guy and had no way to let go of it. So I decided to stop and blame him effectively.

No more blaming him for being an asshole. Instead, I started blaming him for inspiring me to get clear on my relationship goals and ideals.

No more blaming him for calling me awful and downright hurtful names. Instead, blaming him for helping me toss away the nonsense and get back to my true, strong self.

No more blaming him for loving me in all the wrong ways. Instead, blaming him for sharing in my life at a time when I’m not sure I even loved myself.

How could you blame someone who has hurt you in an effective way? If it’s someone who hearing these words from would help heal the both of you, I encourage you to reach out. Remember though, you are blaming in a positive way, for all the positives that came out of your relationship with them, even if the relationship itself wasn’t healthy.

If it’s not a situation where reaching out would be beneficial to you both, or if you can’t reach out, then just write it out. Writing is a great way to release bottled up emotions. Grab a journal, open your notes app, or even write a letter you never send. The act of putting those feelings into words can be incredibly freeing.

4. Get Over the Story

Don’t tell yourself that every relationship will be like this, or start with the downward spiral of, “Why am I so unlovable?” Instead, get clear on what your ideal relationship looks like. Again, write it out!

When we focus on what it is we want our relationship to look like, we attract that energy to our lives. But more importantly, we start to recognize it when it shows up. If you’ve never clearly defined what a healthy, loving relationship looks like for you, how will you know when you’ve found one?

Take some time to write down your non-negotiables. Not a wish list for a fantasy partner, but the qualities of a relationship that would make you feel safe, respected, and genuinely loved. Clarity is magnetic. When you know what you want, you stop settling for what you don’t.

5. Talk It Out

I knew I was in the wrong relationship, so thinking about telling my friends or family about what was going on instantly gave me feelings of shame and regret. I knew when I was having conversations it was so obvious that I shouldn’t be putting any energy into this person, which made me feel ashamed.

However, in those moments of hurt and pain, I needed someone to talk to, and ultimately talking about it has helped me to heal.

You never know if a fellow lady has gone through something similar!

Shame thrives in silence and secrecy. The moment you speak your experience out loud to someone you trust, it starts to lose its grip on you. You might be surprised by how many women around you have walked a similar path and come out stronger on the other side.

If you can’t reach out to friends or family, reach out to a coach or therapist. There are so many options for people who are out there to be a listening ear. Online therapy platforms have made it easier than ever to connect with a professional from the comfort of your home. There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, it’s one of the bravest things you can do.

6. Trust the Process

In life. In the Universe. In God. In yourself. In divine timing. In whatever you choose. Just trust.

“What if life was always happening for us, not to us?” (Tony Robbins)

People and situations often show up in our life exactly when we need them. After this relationship, I had a little chat with myself. I got more clear on what direction I wanted to go. I reconnected with things and people that made me feel great. I healed my spirit, even if only a little.

After some time, I landed a great job, reconnected with an ex with whom I now have a beautiful and loving relationship, and was able to use my experience to overcome the low points in a whole new way.

Healing after heartbreak doesn’t happen overnight. Some days you’ll feel like you’ve made tremendous progress, and other days a song on the radio or a memory that surfaces will bring it all rushing back. That’s normal. That’s human. The key is to keep choosing yourself, over and over again, even on the hard days.

You Deserve Better, and It Starts With You

Remember, you are a beautiful and lovely soul who deserves the best love in all aspects of your life, and it begins with you.

The relationship I described taught me more about myself than any self-help book ever could. It showed me where my boundaries were weak, where my self-worth needed rebuilding, and what I was truly capable of surviving. And if you’re reading this and recognizing your own story in mine, I want you to know: you will get through this. Not around it, not over it. Through it. And you’ll come out the other side stronger, wiser, and more connected to who you really are.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does it take to heal after a heartbreak?

There is no universal timeline for healing after heartbreak. Some people start to feel better within a few weeks, while others may need months or even longer. Factors like the length of the relationship, the depth of emotional attachment, and whether the relationship was toxic all play a role. The most important thing is to be patient with yourself and avoid comparing your healing journey to anyone else’s. Progress isn’t always visible day to day, but small steps add up over time.

Why do I keep going back to someone who hurts me?

Returning to a toxic partner is often rooted in trauma bonding, a psychological response where intermittent reinforcement (cycles of kindness followed by cruelty) creates a powerful emotional attachment. Low self-esteem, fear of being alone, and the comfort of familiarity also play significant roles. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking the cycle. Working with a therapist who specializes in relationship dynamics can be incredibly helpful in understanding and changing these patterns.

What are the signs that a relationship is emotionally abusive?

Emotional abuse can be subtle and hard to recognize when you’re in the middle of it. Common signs include walking on eggshells around your partner, being called hurtful names, feeling like your emotions are constantly invalidated, being isolated from friends and family, and experiencing cycles of intense affection followed by coldness or cruelty. If you frequently feel anxious, confused, or like you’re “not enough” in your relationship, those feelings deserve attention.

Is it normal to still feel angry at an ex years later?

Yes, it’s completely normal. Unresolved anger often lingers when the hurt was deep and when you haven’t had the chance to fully process what happened. Techniques like “blaming effectively” (reframing what you learned from the experience), journaling, therapy, and even physical exercise can help you work through lingering resentment. The goal isn’t to forget what happened, but to reach a place where it no longer controls your emotions or your decisions.

How do I rebuild my self-worth after a toxic relationship?

Rebuilding self-worth is a gradual process that starts with small, intentional choices. Begin by reconnecting with activities and people that make you feel good about yourself. Set small boundaries and honor them. Practice self-compassion by speaking to yourself the way you would speak to a close friend. Consider working with a therapist or coach who can help you identify and challenge the negative beliefs that may have taken root during the relationship. Over time, these small acts of self-respect compound into genuine confidence.

Should I stay friends with an ex who treated me badly?

In most cases, maintaining a friendship with someone who treated you poorly is not recommended, at least not until you have fully healed and established firm boundaries. Staying connected can keep you emotionally entangled and make it harder to move forward. It’s okay to prioritize your own well-being, even if it feels uncomfortable. If you do eventually choose to have some form of contact, make sure it’s on your terms and that the dynamic has genuinely changed.