When “I Love You” Became a Career Move: Why the Words We Chase Reveal What We Really Want

I have been thinking a lot lately about the language of ambition. Not the motivational poster kind, but the quieter, more personal kind. The words we use when we talk about what we want out of life, what drives us, and what makes us feel like we are on the right path.

And it started, oddly enough, with a phrase most people associate with romance: “I love you.”

About twenty years ago, when someone said “I love you” to the person they were dating, it meant something specific. It was a declaration of commitment. A line in the sand. It said: I choose you, I see a future with us, and I am willing to do the work. It was not just about feelings. It was about intention.

But somewhere along the way, that phrase got quietly replaced. First by “I’m falling in love with you” (exciting, but noncommittal) and then by “I’m in love with you” (which sounds deeper but is really about a state of being rather than a decision to act). And here is the thing that keeps me up at night: this same linguistic shift has happened in how we talk about our careers, our callings, and our sense of purpose.

We have stopped saying “I am committed to this work” and started chasing the feeling of being “in love” with what we do.

The Passion Trap: When Feelings Replace Direction

Let me be clear: I am not against passion. I named this column “Passion and Purpose” for a reason. But I have watched too many brilliant women abandon meaningful work because the initial spark faded, and I have seen too many others never start at all because they were waiting to feel that lightning bolt of certainty before they committed.

We have built an entire culture around the idea that your life’s work should make you feel the way new love does. Butterflies. Obsessive thinking. That sense of being swept away. And when the Monday morning version of your dream career feels more like a slow Tuesday than a fireworks show, we assume something is wrong.

Research from Stanford University published in Psychological Science found that people who believe passion is something you “find” are more likely to give up when challenges arise. Those who see passion as something that develops over time, through investment and effort, show greater persistence, deeper satisfaction, and more creative problem solving.

Sound familiar? It is the same pattern we see in relationships. The people who chase the feeling tend to bail when the feeling changes. The people who commit to the process tend to build something that lasts.

“Falling in Love” With Your Career vs. Choosing It

Here is where the parallel gets really interesting. Remember how “I’m falling in love with you” became the first stage of modern romantic declarations? It is thrilling to hear but commits to nothing. It describes a process happening to you, not a choice you are making.

We do the exact same thing with purpose. We say things like:

• “I think I’m finding my passion.”
• “I feel like I might be called to this.”
• “Something about this work just speaks to me.”

These are beautiful sentiments. They are also entirely passive. They frame purpose as something that happens to you, like catching a cold or falling into a hole. There is no agency in them. No declaration. No skin in the game.

And then there is the second stage: “I’m in love with what I do.” This is the one we post on social media. The one that gets the likes. But what does it actually mean? Usually it means: right now, in this moment, the feelings I am experiencing while doing this work are euphoric. It is a weather report, not a commitment.

Compare that to someone who says, plainly, “I love my work.” Not “I’m in love with it.” Not “I’m falling for it.” Just: I love it. That simple, almost old fashioned declaration carries something the other phrases do not. It carries the weight of choice. Of showing up on the hard days. Of staying interested even when things get difficult.

The Cult of Chemistry in Career Advice

We live in an era that worships the spark. Every career guru, every TED talk, every Instagram reel tells us the same story: find what sets your soul on fire and you will never work a day in your life.

This is, to put it gently, incomplete advice.

According to organizational psychologist research covered in The Atlantic, the “follow your passion” mindset can actually narrow our interests and make us less likely to explore new fields. It teaches us to evaluate opportunities based on how they make us feel in the moment rather than on their potential for growth, impact, and meaning over time.

This is the career equivalent of choosing a life partner based solely on chemistry. Yes, attraction matters. Yes, you want to feel something. But if chemistry is your only filter, you are going to miss the person (or the path) that could actually make you deeply, sustainably happy.

The women I know who are doing the most fulfilling work are not the ones who woke up one morning with a burning certainty about their calling. They are the ones who noticed a quiet interest, committed to developing it, and built something meaningful through years of showing up. Their passion did not precede their commitment. It grew from it.

Purpose Is a Practice, Not a Lightning Strike

I want to offer a reframe that might feel counterintuitive at first. What if the “old fashioned” way of declaring love is actually the more mature, more powerful model for how we should approach our life’s work?

Saying “I love you” (to a person or a purpose) is an act of will. It says: I have assessed the situation, I see both the beauty and the difficulty, and I am choosing this anyway. It is not swept up in euphoria. It is grounded in something deeper.

Saying “I’m in love with you” (to a person or a purpose) is a description of a temporary emotional state. It is wonderful to experience, but it is not something you can build a life on, because feelings, by their very nature, fluctuate.

The most purposeful women I have met treat their calling the way long married couples treat their relationship: with daily recommitment. They do not wait for inspiration to strike before they sit down to work. They do not question their entire career trajectory every time they have a bad week. They have moved past the need for constant emotional validation from their work and into a place of steady, chosen devotion.

That does not mean they are grinding joylessly. Far from it. But their joy comes from depth, not novelty. From mastery, not from the sugar rush of a new beginning.

What Are You Actually Waiting to Hear?

In the original observation about how “I love you” has been replaced by “I’m in love with you,” there is a telling detail: people who hear a plain “I love you” sometimes look disappointed, as if they were waiting for something bigger.

I see this in career conversations too. When someone says, “I found work that is meaningful and I am committed to growing in it,” we nod politely. But when someone says, “I am SO passionate about what I do, it does not even feel like work,” we lean in. We want that. We want to feel intoxicated by our purpose the way we want to feel intoxicated by love.

But here is the question worth sitting with: what if that intoxication is not the sign of something real? What if it is just the sign of something new?

Psychologist Angela Duckworth’s research on grit has shown that sustained achievement comes not from intensity of feeling but from consistency of effort over time. The people who change the world, build meaningful businesses, and create lasting impact are not the ones with the most passion on day one. They are the ones who are still showing up on day one thousand.

The Character of Your Calling

Just as the original article suggests we should assess character alongside chemistry in romantic partners, I want to suggest we do the same with our ambitions. What is the “character” of the work you are pursuing?

• Does it align with your values, or just your current mood?
• Does it challenge you to grow, or just make you feel good?
• Is there room for you to deepen over decades, or will the novelty wear off?
• Are you choosing it, or are you just swept up in it?

A career built on chemistry alone will leave you job hopping every time the spark fades. A purpose built on character will carry you through the seasons when motivation is low and the work is unglamorous.

Reclaiming the Quiet Declaration

So here is my invitation. The next time someone asks you about your work, your goals, or your direction in life, try skipping the breathless enthusiasm. Try the quieter, braver thing instead.

Instead of “I’m so passionate about this,” try: “I love this work.”

Instead of “I think I’m finding my calling,” try: “I have chosen this path.”

Instead of “It does not even feel like work,” try: “It is hard and it is worth it.”

There is a quiet power in commitment that the culture of constant passion does not celebrate enough. The women who will look back in twenty years and feel genuinely proud of what they built are not the ones who chased the most exciting feeling. They are the ones who chose something real and stayed.

Bottom Line

It does not serve us well to take explosive enthusiasm as a sign that we have found our “true calling.” If your goal is to build a meaningful, lasting body of work, it is critical that you assess not only chemistry (how it makes you feel) but also character (what it asks you to become). Purpose is not something you fall into. It is something you choose, over and over again, until the choosing itself becomes the deepest kind of love.