Why Her? Turning Comparison and Toxicity into a Massive Payoff

The Moment I Realized I Was Losing Myself

Hey friend. Let’s get real for a second. For me, I became acutely aware of my tendency to compare myself to others the exact moment I discovered my boyfriend had cheated on me. Looking back, I saw it coming because the signs were crystal clear, even if I didn’t want to admit it to myself at the time. You know the drill – cancelled dates, missed phone calls and those short, hurried messages that just feel off.

I was a total ball of insecurity, feeling completely abandoned and like I simply wasn’t good enough. The discovery only came after weeks of this frustrating MIA game.

“I am working late”

“I am very sick.”

“I am really tired.”

He was feeding me excuse after excuse, pushing me further away with every lie. Does this sound familiar to you, lady? That gut feeling that something is wrong even when they deny it?

We want to hear from you lovely ladies. If you’ve ever ignored your intuition only to find out you were right, share your story in the comments below. Your experience might help another woman trust her gut next time.

The Undoing

The undoing was a hickey. Yep, as cliché as it sounds. After weeks of him avoiding me, I went over to his house, only to discover a situation I never want to experience again. Hurt, confused, and shaking, I demanded to know the name of the girl.

First mistake.

I spent hours looking at her photos and comparing myself to her. It was torture, but I couldn’t stop.

What does she have that I don’t?

Why can’t I have boobs like that, lips like that etc?

Why her?

These questions plagued me day and night. I was taking his crappy actions personally. Of course, it didn’t help that he continued to scream at me, “It is all your fault. If only you were more (insert quality he suddenly decided I lacked).”

Trapped in the Cycle

I buried my heartbreak deep inside and I devoted all of my time and energy into him. It sounds crazy now, but at the time, I thought I was doing the right thing.

“I can’t leave him”, my mind said. “He needs my help”.

At the time, he was struggling with a few demons and addictive behaviors of his own. I felt like his cheating and acting out were just a cry for help. I forgave, and I gave all that I had to build him up.

Second mistake.

The longer I stayed loyal and by his side, the more things were revealed about his indiscretions. He explained. I forgave. It was a vicious cycle.

An extremely toxic, unhealthy and unstable relationship was created before I even realized what was happening.

I felt powerless. He had emotionally beaten all of my confidence and self-esteem down, and I had attached my entire self-identity to him. If he wanted a girl that acted and looked a certain way, I became it. With no sense of self, I was moulded to the person he truly desired to be with. I wasn’t me, nor was I happy. I had, however, convinced myself that I was in love and he was worth it. I was totally oblivious to the mind games he was playing with me.

I was doing things I didn’t believe in, acting in ways that weren’t true to me and saying things that were not conducive to what I truly valued. Have you ever lost yourself trying to keep someone else? It’s a heavy burden to carry, lovelies.

Rock Bottom

Gone was the strong, independent woman, replaced with a needy, co-dependent girl reliant upon a guy to keep her propped up. It all came to a head after years of struggling.

I received a text that he had met someone with whom he was madly in love with. He told me I was “too difficult” to love and it was all so hard. I was already struggling with the heartbreaking loss of my sister, so his sudden departure from my life absolutely crushed me. I had no sense of self-identity other than being by his side.

I crumbled. I literally felt like I was nothing, I didn’t matter and I wasn’t worthy of living. I was walking around empty inside and feeling completely numb. After all that time, energy and emotion, he had left me, so what was I?

Looking back, I did die. The false persona I had created to stay in his life died that day.

The Rebuild: Finding My True Self

I used this as an opportunity to completely rebuild myself. This time not from a place of fear or of losing the love of someone, but from authenticity. From love.

Many, many months were spent alone trying to figure out who I really am at the core of my being. What did I like to do? What made me happy? I took a course in self-worth and I attended a retreat which gave me a new level of self-awareness. All for the purpose of uncovering the real me. It was hard and there were plenty of trying moments as I tried to re-learn how to use my voice but I wouldn’t change a single thing.

In fact, I thank the universe every day that he left. I don’t believe that I would have ever found the strength to stand up for myself if he stayed. The greatest gift he ever gave to me was his absence.

I share my story as a symbol of hope for anyone struggling right now. It gets better, lady.

Leaving a toxic relationship may seem like the hardest thing in the world however the payoff is massive.

The reward of finding yourself again, of coming home to the person you are is beautiful. As you step out of the river of denial, be prepared for a barrage of emotion. Surround yourself with positive, understanding and loving support. Fill the hole with all the things you love to do and pamper yourself.

We want to support you on this journey! If you’re in the middle of a rebuild or just starting to see the light, share your win in the comments – no matter how small. Let’s lift each other up!